Dream #4

Dream Number Four: 
to pour a little life into a few girls. 

No society is perfect but it is especially hard to be a young girl in ours. Almost every, if not every girl, deals with some sort of pain or confusion. Usually these work together to create a chaos that we become all to familiar with. You see, as girls mature our emotions springboard into insanity. When this first happens it seems like the end of the world, we soon learn it is not. As time goes on we get used to the insanity. We realize that most of the pain we obsess over really means nothing. It is the pain we suppress that means a great deal. We learn that life is more complicated and confusing than we once thought. Each girl learns a different lesson depending on her past, present and future. 

None of this is horrible, we can learn a great deal of good from all the insanity. The horrible part comes in what our society puts on these girls. They are told they must be controlled and put together, after all no one wants an overly emotional girl, right?  I agree, but the answer is not putting unrealistic ideals on our girls. The answer is listening to every "end of the world" and showing them God in it. The answer is walking through life with them. The answer is loving them. 

You see it is through my mentors that I have come to see my "end of the worlds" are really not even a bump in the road. They have also showed me that my "everything's okays" are really not so okay at all and they walked me through them. I have grown and matured with them by my side. 

I want to be this for other girls. I want them to feel free with me. I want them to feel open. I want them to know that I care. And I want to show them God. This is my dream. 

Dream #3

Dream number three: 

to be a loving and nurturing mother. 

This, in a way, is part two of my family dreams, part one was to be a loving and supportive wife (dream number two). Both these dreams are a long way down the line for me and I am in no hurry, but I definitely hope for these someday.

 I dream of doing so many things with my future kids. Most of my dreams flow from how my mom raised me. She was, and is, an incredible mother. She nurtured and encouraged my creativity, and she truly loved me above herself, so much so that I never have doubted it. I remember her taking me down to Laguna Beach and setting me up with my finger paints and easel right next to all the professional artists. She would do so many incredible things like that. I owe my love for creating to her.

 I want to nurture these things in my future kids. I want to take the time to read chapter books and poetry to them, I want to take them on hikes and I want to set up their easels on a hill looking over the beach. More than all these things though, I want to teach my kids about God. I want to show them his hand in everything. I want to reveal to them the beauty of God in nature, in creating, in pain and in joy. I want to love them unconditionally, above myself, in order to show a dim reflection of God’s love for us. I want to pray for them, to laugh with them and to cry with them. This is the type of mother my mom was, this is the type of mother I dream of being.

Dream #2

Dream number two: 

To be a loving and supportive wife. 

 Now I know what so many of you are thinking, 18 year old girl dreaming fluffy happy rainbow dreams about marriage and meeting my “soul-mate” and living “happily-ever-after” in a magical land of butterflies and fairy dust. 

Well actually that is not the case at all, quite the opposite really. 

Marriage scares me more than anything. The idea of trusting a man with my heart is about the most terrifying concept to me because I have seen what a man can do to a woman’s heart. I have seen the pain and I have seen marriages break under pressure. It is near impossible for me to believe that one man can be content with me for the rest of my life, much less completely in love with me. And it is a struggle for me to trust a man, much less submit to him.

 I struggle with doubting God’s plan for marriage, yet I see how beautiful it can be. 

I see the covenant God has made marriage, it is a picture of his love for the church. I so deeply want to see another completely, the ugly and the bad and the annoying, and I want to choose to love him and support him through everything. I want to do this simply because that is what Christ has done for me. I want to cover another’s flaws with love, like Christ has covered mine with love. I want to trust my future husband and submit to him, because I trust God’s work in him. I want to paint a picture of God’s covenant love on this earth with another. I know it will be hard, I'm not naive.  I also know I will have to marry a very patient (christian) man to deal with my cynicism about marriage, but there is something so beautiful in the design God has made. And it is beautiful because Gods love for his church is beautiful. I deeply desire to work with another to display that covenant love. 

I want to display God through my future marriage, that is my dream.

Dream #1

Dream Number One: learning to play the piano. 

 

I know it seems like a silly dream, and they all wont be like this, I simply wanted to start this dream series off on a lighter note. So here it goes, I REALLY WANT TO PLAY THE PIANO, and I want to play well too. I love to sing, but I don’t have the guts to do it anywhere where I can actually be heard, and I love to write, even songs. I so deeply want to compose music on a piano. I want that moment. That moment where you have so many emotions building inside of you and you pour them onto the keys. I want the freedom to turn my feelings into a melody. I want to share what stirs me without needing to say anything, and then I want to say it all at once.  I want to play the piano. And who knows, it just may give me the freedom to sing.

A New Series......

Becoming a Girl of Dreams 

is this years Becoming Conference title at Rancho Community Church. For those of you who don't know what a the Becoming Conference is, it is a conference for middle school and high school girls that is geared to help them become woman who love God and who live for him. This conference is really near and dear to my heart.  So I have decided that this new series is going to be a dream series.  

To start this series I would like to say: 

Dreams are so precious to me.  

They flow from hope. 

 I will always have hope in God, therefore my dreams will always flow from him. 

Those are the most precious of dreams.

The Luminaria {Ventana #6}

Our last night in Mexico we had a Luminaria. 

During the Luminaria we went out around the camp with a candle to reflect and think. I think best with a pen in my hand, so I wrote that night. I want to share it you.

Its cold and Im confused.

God, sometimes my life doesn't make much sense.

I want certain things so badly, Im scared of others so deeply.

I have a passion and a fear so strong it hurts me.

I want you and I want what you want for me.

I just don't know how my passions and my fears play into that.

I have a love for the broken, for kids, for writing and for supporting.

Im afraid of instability, of never having a family and of missing your plan.

I find comfort in my fear because I know that you are stable.

I find comfort in my fears because I know that your plans never fail.

Im trusting you with my life.

And as much as I would like it, I don't need to know what the future holds.

It is far greater to know you God. 

You are beautiful, wonderful, perfect, majestic and glorious.

I will trust you.

You are my God and I am your adorer.

You are my savior and I am your prodigal.

You are my father and I am your daughter.

I trust you. Please guide me.

Where am I going? {Blogging Beginnings #2}

This has been quite the question lately, and the answer is..... I have no idea anymore.  For so long I thought God was leading me to be a field missionary but through a series of highly ironic events he has started to place seeds of doubt in me. Know this, it is not easy to give up a dream, especially one the I have had since I was nine. The thing is though, the missions field really hasn't been my dream for a long time now.  It became more like a commitment then a dream.  Deciding to give it up was confusing, scary and took a lot of prayer.  Often I feel guilty, like a failure.  But God whispers something different. He is simply telling me to trust him. He is saying that I don't need to know right now.  He says to be still and know that he is God.

Lately I feel like this little girl. I can see a few steps ahead, but I don't see where I am going. Right now those two steps include: my first semester of college at Biola and a season of singleness.  Anything beyond that is completely in the air. I have no idea where God is leading me and I have never felt so free. I love living in the peace of following God wherever he leads, no plans of my own, no long term ideas, just raw trust. I have had so many dreams that have come to nothing, but through my shattered dreams God is making something beautiful in me. He is creating a willingness to follow him, anywhere, anytime.  He is using my brokenness to grow in me trust, hope and patience for whatever it may be that he has for me. So where am I headed?  I don't know. What is my dream? That I will follow God wherever he leads, whenever he shows me. That is my mosaic dream, that is where I am going.