This has been quite the question lately, and the answer is..... I have no idea anymore. For so long I thought God was leading me to be a field missionary but through a series of highly ironic events he has started to place seeds of doubt in me. Know this, it is not easy to give up a dream, especially one the I have had since I was nine. The thing is though, the missions field really hasn't been my dream for a long time now. It became more like a commitment then a dream. Deciding to give it up was confusing, scary and took a lot of prayer. Often I feel guilty, like a failure. But God whispers something different. He is simply telling me to trust him. He is saying that I don't need to know right now. He says to be still and know that he is God.
Lately I feel like this little girl. I can see a few steps ahead, but I don't see where I am going. Right now those two steps include: my first semester of college at Biola and a season of singleness. Anything beyond that is completely in the air. I have no idea where God is leading me and I have never felt so free. I love living in the peace of following God wherever he leads, no plans of my own, no long term ideas, just raw trust. I have had so many dreams that have come to nothing, but through my shattered dreams God is making something beautiful in me. He is creating a willingness to follow him, anywhere, anytime. He is using my brokenness to grow in me trust, hope and patience for whatever it may be that he has for me. So where am I headed? I don't know. What is my dream? That I will follow God wherever he leads, whenever he shows me. That is my mosaic dream, that is where I am going.
